PRO May 22, 2014

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Audio Bits & Breaks Datebook Today Datebook Tomorrow Entertainment Fun & Games Image of the Day Joke of the Day Last Minute Items News & Nuggets News Attack Number for the Day On Television Video of the Day Wacky-But-True


DATEBOOK: MAY 22, 2014

This is day 142 of 2014. There are 223 days remaining.

BIRTHDAYS

• Richard Benjamin is 76

• Barbara Parkins (Peyton Place, Valley of the Dolls) is 72

• Lyricist Bernie Taupin (Elton John’s writing partner) is 64

• Model Naomi Campbell is 44

• Speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno (Dancing with the Stars) is 32

• Ginnifer Goodwin (Margaret Blanchard/Snow White) is 36

IT HAPPENED TODAY

• 1843: Thousands of people and their cattle headed west via wagon train from Independence, Missouri, to what would later become the Oregon Territory. It was part of the Great Migration. They followed what is now known as the Oregon Trail.

• 1931: The first canned rattlesnake meat was sold, in Arcadia, Florida.

• 1906: The Wright brothers were granted U.S. patent number 821,393 for their “Flying-Machine”.

• 1955: Police in Bridgeport, Connecticut, canceled a Fats Domino concert over fears of an anticipated “rock ‘n’ roll riot.”

• 1967: “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood” premiered on PBS, featuring Rev. Fred Rogers, a Presbyterian minister from Pittsburgh. It’s public television’s longest running children’s program.

• 1986: Sylvester Stallone signed a 10-picture, six-year deal with United Artists for a reported $15 million per film, making him at the time the richest actor in Hollywood.

• 1990: The Windows 3.0 operating system was released by Microsoft.

• 1992: After 30 years, 66-year-old Johnny Carson hosted The Tonight Show for the last time.

• 1998: A federal judge ruled that United States Secret Service agents could be compelled to testify before a grand jury concerning the Lewinsky scandal, involving President Bill Clinton.

• 2003: In Fort Worth, Texas, Annika Sörenstam became the first woman to play the PGA Tour in 58 years.

• 2004: Michael Moore’s Fahrenheit 9/11, a scathing documentary about White House actions after the September 11th terrorist attacks, won first prize at the Cannes Film Festival.

SPECIAL EVENTS

• It’s Buy a Musical Instrument Day.

• Today is Vanilla Pudding Day.

• It’s National Maritime Day.

• Today is Goth Day.

• Today is Vanilla Pudding Day.

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NUMBER FOR THE DAY

38: Number of cameras at the average U.S. presidential press conference.

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NEWS ATTACK!

Prince Charles said that Russian President Vladimir Putin is acting like Hitler. [To which Putin replied, “Thank you.”]

Golfer Rory McIlroy has called off his wedding to tennis star Caroline Wozniacki days after the wedding invitations were mailed. [For once there’s a recall that has nothing to do with GM.]

Did you hear that eBay was hacked? [I knew there had to be a good reason why my autographed Honey Boo Boo oven mitts weren’t selling.]

A truck carrying 20 million bees overturned on a Delaware highway, releasing the cargo. [The bees are holding the driver hostage, and say that they will only negotiate with the bee from Honey Nut Cheerios.]

Experts say that the rising sea level caused by climate change threatens to wipe out at least 30 historic American landmarks. [Soon historic plaques will read: Washington swam here.]

The NFL has awarded the 2018 Super Bowl to the city of Minnesota. [That’s 4 years away which means the network pregame show should start any minute now.]

An 11-year-old girl has become the youngest golfer to ever qualify for the U.S. Women’s Open. [She’ll be the one texting between shots.]

Authorities in Puerto Rico busted a drug ring that smuggled cocaine into Florida hidden inside children’s toys such as Lite Brite. [And Snort Me Elmo.]

Two New York City fourth graders, aged 9 and 12, were arrested for allegedly putting poison in their teacher’s water bottle. [I guess that explains why a 12-year-old was still in the fourth grade.]

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NEWS & NUGGETS

FREED: IRANIANS ARRESTED FOR ‘HAPPY’ VIDEO _ Six Iranians arrested for appearing in a video singing along to an American pop song were released on Wednesday, one day after being detained for what police called their “obscene” behavior. In the clip, the three women and three men dance and lip synch to Pharrell Williams’ “Happy”, imitating the official video of the international hit. The women are not wearing headscarves, as demanded by Iran’s Islamic law. Their arrest caused outrage among fans of the song, who took to social media to denounce what they saw as a heavy-handed response by the Islamic Republic to a piece of harmless fun.

THE WORLD IS A (MOSTLY) HAPPY PLACE _ If you’re the kind of person who likes being surrounded by upbeat folks, you should probably move to Latin America. Latin American countries dominate the top of a Gallup poll which asked people to gauge how they feel about their lives based on factors such as “experiencing lots of enjoyment, laughing or smiling a lot, feeling well-rested, and being treated with respect.”

… Paraguay scored highest for the third year in a row, with 87 percent of participants claiming they feel positive emotions about their lives. Denmark was the only non-Latin American country to crack the top 10 with a score of 82 percent, while the United States came in 19th at 78 percent. Syria had the lowest score.

LESS STUFF MAKES US HAPPY _ All that stuff in your life? It’s not making you any happier. In a survey of over 10,500 people (conducted by Havas Worldwide), numbers are showing that 50% of people would live happily without most of their possessions. And two-thirds of the consumers polled make it a point to get rid of unneeded stuff at least once a year.

2014 NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC BEE CHAMPION _ If you can’t name the world’s most densely populated country, then you wouldn’t have made it too far past the first round in the National Geographic Bee. The nationwide contest got a new champion, Virginia eighth grader Akhil Rekulapelli, on Wednesday. Each representing their home state, ten students flew through that first-round population question. The answer: Monaco.

11-MONTH-OLD BABY FORCED TO PARASAIL BY PARENTS _ Controversy has erupted in the southern Indian state of Kerala after a video clip showing an 11-month-old baby girl being forcefully made to parasail was shared thousands of time through social media. The incident happened at a popular beach. An amateur video shot by a local who was present in the area was first uploaded to Facebook and then to YouTube after which it went viral. In the video, the baby is clearly seen distressed and is wailing as her own mother helps her harness the safety belts on to the parasail. The baby is then pulled up in the air — as her parents and locals cheer on.

… Local news reported the parasailing incident was part of a promotional activity by a low cost airline. Video

FACEBOOK’S NEW WAY TO SHARE STATUS UPDATES _ Facebook’s got a new way for you to share what you’re listening to or watching in a status update. Soon, iOS and Android users will be able to use their phone’s microphone (similar to Shazam) to have the app to hear a song or hear a show or movie and post that the user is doing that. For instance, if you’re watching The Simpsons, you can turn on this feature as you’re composing a status update and Facebook’s app will recognize the sounds. It’s an optional feature users can turn on and off.

… If a user shares music, their friends will see a short clip of the song they’re listening to. For TV shows, it will highlight the season and the episode you’re watching.

SURGERY AT HOSPITAL — AND CHANGE BACK FROM YOUR $20 _ A woman in Normal, Illinois, the other day came across the bill she had as a 9-year-old in 1947 for a surgery that included a one-day stay at the hospital. Theora Stark says room was $3.75 per day. Her parents also had to pay an anesthesia fee and pay for use of the operating room. Those were $7.50 each. Even assuming the surgery itself added a few bucks to the cost, the total for the bulk of it was just $18.75.

FB icon Start it on Facebook, take it to the phones: Today’s hospital bills are outrageous. What’s the craziest charge you’ve seen on a bill?

THE MOST EXPENSIVE DONUT _ To celebrate National Doughnut Week, Krispy Kreme UK has unveiled the world’s “most expensive” donut. It looks like a lotus flower and costs just under $1,700. The donut was made with Chateau d’Yquem crème, raspberries, and Dom Pérignon vintage 2002 champagne jelly. This treat has also been “blinged” with 24-carat gold leaf, 23-carat gold dust and edible diamonds.

NYC RESIDENT NAMED THE WORLD’S OLDEST MAN LIVING _ Just a day after learned of the world’s oldest cat, we are learning that New York resident Dr. Alexander Imich has been given the honor of being the oldest man alive — 111-years-old. Dr. Imich joins the oldest living woman, Miaso Okawa of Osaka, Japan, who is 116. Dr. Imich is also the oldest living man to hold a doctorate as well, which is an accomplishment all on its own.

… He was born in Poland on February 4, 1903. He came to the United States from Poland with his wife Wela in 1953. His wife died in 1986, and since then Dr. Alexander Imich has been living by himself in New York City.

… Imich attests his longevity to good genes and a healthy lifestyle. He notes that what he’s learned from life is that one should, “always pursue what one loves and is passionate about.”

GRANDMA’S OVER-THE-TOP RESPONSE TO BABY ANNOUNCEMENT _ Judy Minunni of Buffalo, New York, received a casual Valentine’s Day card from her daughter. Except this year, it said, “Happy Valentine’s, Grandma.” After initially thinking it was one big fat joke, the grandma-to-be got the hint, and she celebrated. Loudly. Video

MALIA OBAMA IS OLD ENOUGH TO DRIVE _ Six years after then-ten-year-old Malia Obama watched America send her father to Washington, America’s elder first daughter is ready to drive the city’s streets herself. First Lady Michelle Obama said Malia will spend her summer undergoing an important teenage rite-of-passage — learning to drive a car. When asked if Malia would be driving with secret service agents riding in the back, Obama only said that she and her husband “have a plan.”

… Last month while appearing on LIVE with Kelly and Michael, Obama told Michael Strahan that neither she nor the president would be teaching Malia to drive.

GERMS: THAT’S WHAT AIRPLANES ARE FULL OF _ We already know that planes are airborne petri dishes, and that one open-mouthed sneeze can spread influenza through a cabin faster than you can say “God Bless You.” But a new study suggests that it’s not so much what you inhale on planes that causes the really big problems, but what you touch. Researchers (Auburn University) dabbed surfaces in an airplane with two especially virulent bugs: Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus (better known as the superbug MRSA, which kills about 19,000 people in the U.S. every year), and E. coli bacteria, a germ responsible for abdominal cramping, nausea and diarrhea. The goal of the experiment — conducted on behalf of the Federal Aviation Administration — was to find out how long these germs can survive and remain transmittable in the cabin of a typical airplane.

… Researchers chose six surfaces that people frequently touch, like armrests, seatback tray tables, cloth magazine pockets, and the metal handle used to flush the toilet. Temperature and humidity in the cabin were controlled to emulate actual conditions, and researchers mixed the germs with three solutions that are common on airplanes: saline, simulated sweat and simulated saliva.

… What they found: MRSA survived for up to 168 hours on cloth seatback pockets. E. coli survived for 96 hours on armrests, 72 hours on tray tables, and 48 hours on toilets. The germs were not, however, transmittable for the duration of their lifespans on all of the surfaces. When carried in sweat or saliva on porous materials (like cloth magazine pockets and armrests), MRSA was only transmittable about 1.1 percent of the time after 24 hours and lost its impact entirely after 48 hours. But, when deposited in sweat on nonporous surfaces like tray tables, its transmission rate was nearly 45 percent. E. coli remained highly transmittable on tray tables even after 72 hours.

WOMAN’S SWIM INTERRUPTED BY CAR _ A Russian woman went for a swim in her private pool — and was soon joined by a car. The driver lost control and landed in the pool. Inside the vehicle was the man’s wife and their 2-year-old son. The swimmer was grazed on the head by the vehicle. The driver pulled her out of the pool wile his wife got their son out of the car. Everyone’s doing okay.

DUH: TOO LITTLE SLEEP CAN AFFECT YOUNG KIDS’ HEALTH _ In a new study (University of Wollongong in Australia) children who regularly got too little sleep had worse physical, emotional and social health than those who slept the average amount.

KRACKEL BARS ARE FULL SIZE AGAIN _ It used to be that Nestle Crunch bars weren’t the only choco-crisped-rice game in town. Back in the day — I’m talking the ’90s — candy-eaters could also buy full-sized Krackel bars. As trick-or-treaters know, Krackel bars have really only been available in “fun size”. Now they’ve been called back up to the big leagues and will be available on candy racks.

EXPERIMENTING WITH EXPLOSIVES TO FIGHT WILDFIRES _ Australian researchers are a step closer to demonstrating whether explosives — rather than water — can be used to extinguish an out-of-control wildfire. The research uses a blast of air to knock the flame off its fuel source — a technique used in the oil & gas industry for decades. The latest tests were conducted in New Mexico. Firefighters are reported to be quietly optimistic about the research’s potential.

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WACKY-BUT-TRUE

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: TEEN MAKES ESCAPE WITH BED SHEETS _ What do you do when the police come knocking? If you’re a teenage runaway, you fashion yourself an escape rope out of bed sheets and climb out a fourth-floor window. That’s what the unnamed 16-year-old did in the wee hours of the morning at a Colorado hotel. After he eluded police, the boy and an acquaintance are believed to have gotten on a bus and out of Colorado Springs.

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: FAT-SUIT WRESTLER KNOCKS HIMSELF OUT _ A man in England (Gloucester) put on one of those inflatable sumo wrestler suits to play-fight, but bounced off his opponent, landed on his head and knocked himself out.

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: JAPAN CAN’T GET ENOUGH HAMSTER BUTTS _ The Japanese have their own word for the backside of hamsters. Hamster butts are known as hamuketsu. Japanese hamster fans coined the term, which combines the Japanese words for “hamster” and “butt.” Why? Because photos and photo books of hamster butts are big in Japan right now. Almost 40,000 copies of two photo books about hamster rumps have already been sold there, and a third book is coming out at the end of this month. There’s also a Facebook page devoted entirely to the furry backsides. | link

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: REPORTER: I’M ALLERGIC TO NEWSPAPER INK _ If you can’t stand the way newspaper ink turns your hands black, then get a grip: one reporter has been allergic to the stuff for years. Longtime Baltimore Sun reporter Michael Dresser said an allergy test has revealed that pine resin in newspaper ink has caused puffiness and irritation around his eyes and various skin problems over the years. Dresser says he will be wearing gloves around the office now and warned fellow employees so they wouldn’t think he was “administering any uncomfortable examinations or looking for blood spatter.”

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: CANADIAN MAN FINDS MOOSE CALF, TAKES IT TO COFFEE SHOP _ It’s the kind of story as Canadian as maple syrup: a northern Ontario man found a baby moose on the side of the highway, picked it up and took it to a Tim Hortons coffee shop. Stephan Desgroseillers said the calf “still had the umbilical cord and was still wet” when he found her. The male calf is now being cared for by staff at the animal shelter.

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: KINKY UNIVERSITY CHANGES NAME _ After years of politely tolerating the chuckles of their English-speaking colleagues, the staff the staff at Japan’s Kinki (pronounced kinky) University have had enough. The university, named after the region of western Japan in which it is located, will in future be known as Kindai University. Kinki has no joke-cracking meaning in Japanese, but much of the world speaks English. The new name won’t take effect until 2016.

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: COUPLE HAVING SEX HALT MURDER TRIAL _ A judge suspended a murder trial in Italy after spotting two court staff in an office beside the court having sex. The judge asked the prosecutor to stop talking after she heard strange noises and looked up to see the pair in a very passionate embrace.

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ON TELEVISION

THE BIG BANG THEORY (8p ET, CBS) — Repeat

THE BACHELORETTE (8p ET, ABC) — If you missed the season premiere, see it tonight.

HOLLYWOOD GAME NIGHT (8p ET, NBC) — Wendie Malick, Valerie Bertinelli, Jane Leeves, Mekhi Phifer, Billy Eichner and Andy Richter are the celebs playing tonight.

HELL’S KITCHEN (8p ET, FOX) — New

PREMIERE: LABYRINTH (8p ET, CW) — This is a two-part adaptation of Kate Mosse’s novel about two French women who, share a common destiny, despite being separated by 800 years.

THE MILLERS (8:30p ET, CBS) — Repeat

SEASON PREMIERE: LAST COMIC STANDING (9p ET, NBC) — Season 8 of the search for America’s funniest comic kicks off with auditions. Roseanne Barr, Keenen Ivory Wayans and Russell Peters are the judges and J.B. Smoove is the host.

TWO AND A HALF MEN (9p ET, CBS) — Repeat

SERIES PREMIERE: GANG RELATED (9p ET, FOX) — In this new drama, Ramon Rodriguez (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen) stars as a member of an LA police unit tasked with fighting dangerous gangs. The twist is that he has ties to one of those gangs.

BAD TEACHER (9:30p ET, CBS) — New

MODERN FAMILY (9:30p ET, ABC) — Repeat

ELEMENTARY (10p ET, CBS) — Repeat

BLACK BOX (10p ET, ABC) — New

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ENTERTAINMENT

WARNER BROS. ANNOUNCES BATMAN VS. SUPERMAN TITLE _ Warner Bros. has announced the official title of its Batman vs. Superman movie. The studio has named the film Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice. Zack Snyder will return to direct the new movie, a sequel to 2013’s Man of Steel. Henry Cavill is set to reprise his role as Superman, and Ben Affleck, Gal Gadot, Jesse Eisenberg and Ray Fisher have joined the cast as Batman, Wonder Woman, Lex Luthor and Cyborg. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice is scheduled for release May 6, 2016. A Justice League movie is expected to follow in 2017 or 2018.

JIMMY FALLON TO BRING ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW’ TO FLORIDA _ Jimmy Fallon and The Tonight Show are headed to Orlando. It’ll be Fallon’s first gig outside New York since he took over for Jay Leno in February. The Universal Orlando Resort will host the late night program from June 16 to June 19. A first look at the new Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios is one highlight mentioned on the NBC website. Jennifer Lopez, Pitbull and Tracy Morgan are some of the guest stars scheduled to make appearances.

‘BACHELORETTE’ STAR MICHAEL STAGLIANO TYING THE KNOT _ It’s another Bachelor wedding. On the heels of Kacie Boguskie tying the knot with Rusty Gaston on May 11 and Emily Maynard’s bachelorette party last week, it seems like it’s wedding central over in Bachelor-ville. The latest former contestant from the ABC series to walk down the aisle is Bachelor Pad 2 winner Michael Stagliano, who will say, “I do” to fiancee Emily Tuchscherer this weekend.

… Stagliano also appeared on season 5 of The Bachelorette but didn’t find love with Jillian Harris.

‘PRICE IS RIGHT’ VIEWERS COMPLAIN ABOUT OBAMA SPEECH _ When President Barack Obama hit the podium late Wednesday morning to speak abut the Veterans Affairs scandal, social media erupted with criticism. It wasn’t for the reason one might think. As Obama began delivering his remarks, he interrupted the CBS network broadcast of The Price Is Right. What some twitterheads had to say:

… “Is Obama really talking through the beginning of the price is right? Priorities America…” — Christina Zychowski (@edgarallenhoe)

… “Why is Obama always doing speeches during the Price is Right?? Come on man….” — Courtney Kay (@courtneykay707)

… “The old people at the casino are throwing a hissy fit because Obama is giving a speech and they can’t watch the price is right” — Heidi Jewett (@hjewett16)

… “Obama has a live interview right as the Price is Right should be starting. Reason number 384 no likes you.” — ella.™ (@elllaa__)

… “If Obama takes up one more minute of my price is right, I’m going to throw the remote at my tv.” — Ethan Narber (@EthanNarber)

JIM NABORS TO RETIRE INDY 500 ACT THIS WEEKEND _ Jim Nabors will perform “Back Home Again in Indiana” for the last time during this year’s Indianapolis 500. The 83-year-old actor and singer, known for his annual rendition of the song at the racing event, is ending his 42-year run as the opening act of the Indy 500. The Andy Griffith Show star first became the opening act for the event in 1972. Nabors said that while he still performs he’s ready to settle down in his macadamia nut farm on Maui alongside his partner, Stan.

J.J. ABRAMS REVEALS STAR WARS PROMOTION _ J.J. Abrams released a Star Wars: Episode VII set video Wednesday. It gives us our first official look at a Star Wars set (in Abu Dhabi in this case), it shows us the first official look at a Star Wars alien, and it explains how you could win a chance to appear in Star Wars: Episode VII. Disney is currently launching a new charitable initiative with UNICEF’s Innovation Labs titled ‘Star Wars: Force for Change’. It aims to raise money to aid children around the world through selling sweepstake donations on Omaze.com. From these donations, one lucky winner will be selected and given the opportunity to visit the Star Wars set in London, have a part in the movie, and meet the cast. | link

GWYNETH PALTROW’S CHILDREN CAUGHT EATING FAST FOOD _ Despite Gwyneth Paltrow‘s insistence that her children only eat healthy, organic food, it looks like her kids also enjoy their fair share of fast food. Gwyneth’s kids were reportedly spotted eating French fries and drinking sodas at a fast-food joint in Santa Monica. A source tattles, “They were shoveling handfuls of fries into their mouths. It was like they’d never eaten anything so good in their lives! They were loving every second of it.”

BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH WILL DO FILM WITH JOHNNY DEPP _ Although Guy Pearce had signed on for the project earlier this year, it looks like “Sherlock” star Benedict Cumberbatch will be replacing him in the upcoming movie Black Mass in the role of Billy Bulger, one of the brothers of Johnny Depp’s James “Whitey” Bulger. Parks & Recreation star Adam Scott has joined the cast as FBI Agent Robert Fitzpatrick. Black Mass tells the story of the infamous Bulger, an Irish street punk in Boston with a penchant for rape and robbery, who spent much of his early life incarcerated. When released from Alcatraz, Whitey returned to his thug lifestyle and rose to power in organized crime by using his FBI informant status to bring down the Italian mafia in New England.

CHARLIE SHEEN TO APPEAR AS A GUEST ANALYST ON ESPN _ Charlie Sheen will be the latest star to appear as a guest analyst on ESPN’s Baseball Tonight when the show broadcasts live from the Cincinnati Reds-St. Louis Cardinals game on Sunday night.

RACHEL BILSON AND HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN EXPECTING _ A baby is on the way for actors Rachel Bilson and Hayden Christensen.

NIKKI REED FILES FOR DIVORCE FROM PAUL MCDONALD _ Nikki Reed has officially filed for divorce from Paul McDonald. The couple revealed they were splitting in March. Reed cites irreconcilable differences in the court documents. They tied the knot in 2011 and have no children together. She’s famous for the Twilight movies, he’s famous for American Idol.

‘GAME OF THRONES’ LOOKS TO SPAIN FOR SEASON 5 _ TV’s most globe-trotting series is preparing to add another country to its passport. Sources say HBO’s Game of Thrones is looking to film part of season 5 in Spain. The HBO fantasy hit is currently scouting locations in the Andalucia region of the country and is deep in talks with a local film commission. If all goes according to plan, Spain will mark the seventh country where Thrones has shot on location. The main Thrones production base and studio is at Titanic Studios in Belfast, Northern Ireland.

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BITS & BREAKS

TWINS SHARE EVERYTHING INCLUDING BOYFRIEND

Los Angeles twins Amy and Becky Glass are so close they haven’t been apart for more than 30 minutes in 15 years. They share everything including a joint Facebook profile, a bedroom, the same mobile phone, a business — and once even a boyfriend.

• The 46-year-olds go to extremes to be mirror images of each other and wear the same outfit every day in slightly different colors.

• They use scales and cups to measure out their meals and drinks to ensure their body-shapes and weights stay the same.

• In 1993, they met their joint ex-boyfriend Chris at a party. Amy said, “We never felt jealous of one another…”

• They run their own marketing company and always take conference calls together, often finishing each other’s sentences.

• They share an office — their desks even face one another — meaning they sleep, live and work together 24:7.

DOWNLOAD THIS APP!

You’ll never be able to replace a deceased pet, but thanks to the developers of a new app, you might be able to find a look-alike. PetMatch integrates a Snapchat-like interface with facial recognition technology to connect users with adoptable look-alike dogs on the website PetFinder. | iOS link

BRATTY KIDS TOP LIST OF RESTAURANT DINER PET PEEVES

What’s your restaurant pet peeve? The folks at UrbanSpoon have released a survey list — and right there at the top is “Unsupervised Kids.”

Other complaints of restaurant diners:

• There’s a party over here: Customers who don’t realize how rude it is to sit at the dinner table while blabbing loudly on their cellphones. Take that chatter outside, or better yet, turn the flippin’ phone off.

• Act your age: Kids don’t have a monopoly on rowdy behavior. If you’ve eaten out enough times, you’ve likely had a night soured by an overly enthusiastic nearby table, or just one diner who emotes like he’s trying to project to the last row of the theater. Of course, this rowdiness only gets worse with the addition of booze.

• Overly cuddly couples: We know that dining out can be a romantic experience, but when the PDA crosses the line from G-rated to PG and PG-13 (and sometimes X), well, it’s just distracting.
• Nosy neighbors: Unless you’re one of the aforementioned diners who make spectacles of themselves, there is no reason for the people at the table next to you to eavesdrop on your conversation. And if you’re going to listen in, at least do it subtly!

• No substitutions: Yes yes, your menu is precious and a work of art. But some people have legitimate allergies or simply don’t want one of the items on the plate. If a substitution is reasonable, there’s no reason a restaurant shouldn’t honor it.

• Water-downed drinks: A lot of restaurants charge more for cocktails than you’d pay at the local bar, so it’s infuriating when you pay top-dollar for a drink and a cheap restaurant bartender cuts corners by watering it down.

• No partial-group seating: It’s one thing when it’s two people trying to hold a table for six, but if a group of three people is ready to sit and order, should it matter that one person hasn’t arrived yet? The users of UrbanSpoon don’t think it should.

• An unexplained wait: We’ve all been there — the half-empty restaurant; no one in front of you; people apparently working, but no one who will actually seat you.

• Dirty silverware or glasses: Management should be demanding that both the dishwashers and the servers inspect all the utensils, plates, and glasses before they go back on tables because dirty dishes can drive customers away permanently.

• Menu typos and indiscernible menus: The first peeve demonstrates a lack of care on behalf of the ownership, the second demonstrates an above-it-all haughtiness that can make diners feel like they are being talked down to.

QUESTIONS WHICH CAN’T BE ANSWERED

Variously attributed to Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright, and others.

• Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

• Why is the word “abbreviation” so long?

• Is it possible to be totally partial?

• What’s another word for thesaurus?

• If a book about failures doesn’t sell is it a success?

• If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

• When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

• If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest is there a sound?

• If a parsley farmer is sued, do they garnish his wages?

• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

• Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

• When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

• Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?

• Why isn’t there mouse flavored cat food?

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

• If a turtle does not have a shell, is he homeless, or naked?

• Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?

• Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

• Why is a boxing ring square?

• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

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FUN & GAMES

TRIVIA: Approximately 1 in 220 homes have this in common. (Their Christmas lights are up all year)

TRIVIA: One in three men say they are “very good” at what? (Cooking)

ORDER UP!

From earliest to latest, sort these movies by when they were released.

  • Cars
  • Monsters Inc.
  • Toy Story
  • Ratatouille

The correct order:

  • Toy Story (1995)
  • Monsters Inc. (2001)
  • Cars (2006)
  • Ratatouille (2007)

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JOKE OF THE DAY

Now that I’m over 70, the doctor wants me to come in for frequent checkups. I don’t know why, though — he always says the same thing. “You need to eat better and exercise more! Walking and swimming are especially good for you.” Worse, he wants me to cut out steak for fish and vegetables, and cut out beer for water. That depressed me to no end. But I decided to think about it, and here’s what I came up with. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks lots of water — and “a whale” is what hugely fat people are called (and that’s mean, by the way). A rabbit runs and hops and only eats vegetables, and only lives for 15 years, tops. But a tortoise doesn’t run around. It does practically nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And he tells me to exercise and change my diet? I don’t think so! From now on, I’m not coming out of my shell.

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VIDEO OF THE DAY

20,000 bees on a Nissan.

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IMAGE OF THE DAY

Thank you for smoking!


Source: imgur.com. Do not direct link to image.

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LAST MINUTE ITEMS

Fun Switcher is sort of fun. (Soundboard)

• A Mike Relm Godzilla trailer remix.

Spider-Cat!

The Encyclopedia of Radio Promotions is full of 1,000+ ideas.

• If they do make this slide your kids will never leave the house.

• Guardians of the Galaxy trailer #2.

• 15 animated GIFs that show how things are made.

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DATEBOOK: MAY 23, 2014

This is day 143 of 2014. There are 222 days remaining.

BIRTHDAYS

• Actress and author Barbara Barrie is 83

• Joan Collins (Dynasty) is 81

• Charles Kimbrough (Jim Dial on Murphy Brown) is 78

• Boxer “Marvelous” Marvin Hagler is 60

• Author/journalist/broadcaster (authored Tuesdays with Morrie, The Five People You Meet In Heaven) Mitch Albom is 56

• Drew Carey (The Price is Right) is 56

• Lea DeLaria (Orange Is the New Black) is 56

• Former MTV host Karen “Duff” Duffy (Dumb & Dumber, TV Nation) is 53

• Trivia genius-turned-author Ken Jennings (Jeopardy) is 40

• Singer Jewel is 40

• Kelly Monaco (Dancing with the Stars) is 38

• Tim Robinson (Saturday Night Live) is 33.

IT HAPPENED TODAY

• 1873: The Canadian Parliament established the North West Mounted Police, the forerunner of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.

• 1877: Grace Ingalls was born in Burr Oak, Iowa. Six months later, the Ingalls family returned to Walnut Grove, Minnesota. Grace’s sister, Laura, made the Ingalls famous with her “Little House” book series.

• 1929: The first talking cartoon of Mickey Mouse, The Karnival Kid, was released.

• 1933: Legendary American racehorse Seabiscuit was born

• 1934: Bank robbers Bonnie and Clyde were ambushed by police and killed in Black Lake, Louisiana.

• 1962: The NBA agreed to allow the Philadelphia Warriors to become the San Francisco Warriors. Later, they became the Golden State Warriors.

• 1984: The Surgeon General reported that smokers can inflict lung damage on non-smokers who inhale second-hand smoke.

• 1991: Seinfeld’s “Chinese Restaurant” episode was broadcast.

• 1995: Thieves in Kenilworth, England, broke into a discount store and made off with 60 tubes of toothpaste.

• 1996: The Walt Disney Company announced that for the next ten years the more than 18,700 McDonald’s restaurants would promote Disney movies, parks, and videos in 93 countries.

• 2001: Doctors in India began warning people that if they were scratched or bitten by a 4-foot-tall Monkey Man that was allegedly terrorizing New Delhi, they should get a tetanus shot and a rabies shot.

• 2006: A couple in Alaska, Marcus Weldy and Rebecca, decided to name their newborn son James Tiberius Kirk Weldy after the Star Trek character.

SPECIAL EVENTS

• Today (Friday) begins National Polka Weekend.

• Today (Friday) is National Taffy Day.

• Today (Friday) is International World Turtle Day, an observance sponsored by American Tortoise Rescue to help people celebrate and protect turtles and tortoises, as well as their habitats around the world.

• Today (Friday) is Don’t Fry Day.

• Today (Friday) is Heat Awareness Day.

• Today (Friday) is Lucky Penny Day.

• Saturday is International Jazz Day.

• Saturday is Morse Code Day.

• Saturday is Escargot Day.

• Sunday is the Indianapolis 500.

• Sunday is Cookie Monster’s Birthday.

• Sunday is National Missing Children’s Day.

• Sunday is National Tap Dance Day.

• Sunday is Nerd Pride Day or Geek Pride Day.

• Sunday is National Wine Day.

• Monday begins Hurricane Preparedness Week.

• Monday is Memorial Day.

• Monday is Blueberry Cheesecake Day.

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