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• Ed Begley Jr. is 70

• Illusionist David Copperfield is 63

• Jennifer Tilly is 61

• Molly Shannon (Saturday Night Live) is 55

• Talk-show host Tamron Hall is 49

• Amy Poehler (Parks and Recreation) is 48

• Alexis Bledel (Gilmore Girls) is 38

• Nick Jonas of The Jonas Brothers is 27.


• 1620: One-hundred-and-two passengers and crew set sail from Plymouth, England, for the New World on the Mayflower.

• 1630: The Massachusetts village of Shawmut changed its name to Boston.

• 1840: The term “O.K.” was created when “The O.K. Club” was organized as a new Democratic political group. The initials stood for the birthplace of president Martin Van Buren, Old Kinderhook, New York.

• 1955: Play-Doh was introduced.

• 1988: Bobby McFerrin’s Don’t Worry, Be Happy became the first a cappella record to reach #1 on U.S. rock music charts.

• 2003: Steve Sweazy was asleep on his houseboat on a lake near Shelbyville, Kentucky, when two burglars tried to break in. When he took the two men by surprise there was only one place for them to go — in the lake. It wasn’t a clean getaway, however. One guy couldn’t swim, and his accomplice never looked back, swimming to a waiting car and his escape. Sweazy threw the drowning man a life ring and held him for police.

• 2004: Hurricane Ivan plowed into the Gulf Coast with 130 mph wind and a major storm surge; Ivan was blamed for at least 115 deaths, 43 in the United States.

• 2006: A Florida man trying to cure his 10-year-old daughter’s fear of heights by jumping from a bridge with her broke his leg in the fall. Troy and Meagan Stewart jumped 15 feet from a bridge (in Lantana, Florida) into the Intra coastal Waterway — but the water was only 18 inches deep. Meagan was not injured, but her dad broke his leg in what police described as “an example of what not to do as a parent.”

• 2012: The National Zoo in Washington, D.C. announced a successful artificial insemination as Mei Xiang gave birth to her second giant panda cub.


• Brake Safety Week

• Clean Hands Week

• Indoor Plant Week

• Security Officer Appreciation Week

• National Singles Week

• Prostate Cancer Awareness Week

• Guacamole Day

• Play-doh Day

• Cinnamon Raisin Bread Day

• Stepfamily Day

• Collect Rocks Day


• September 21: Octoberfest begins in Munich, Germany
• September 22: Emmy Awards (Fox)
• September 23: First day of Fall
• September 28: SNL Season 45 begins
• October 1: Major League Baseball playoffs start
• October 3: NHL regular season starts
• October 11: Nobel Peace Prize winner announced
• October 11: National League Championship Series starts
• October 12: American League Championship Series starts
• October 13: Chicago Marathon
• October 27: Diwali
• October 31: Halloween (a Thursday)
• November 3: Daylight Saving Time ends
• November 11: Veterans Day
• November 13: Country Music Association Awards
• November 28: Thanksgiving
• November 29: Black Friday
• November 30: Small Business Saturday
• December 20: Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker hits theater


70 million: Americans who have a criminal record


Felicity Huffman is going to prison. [I wonder if she’ll play herself in the movie.]

The U.S. Postal Service lost a court battle to raise the price of stamps. [This is a resounding legal victory for the remaining half a dozen people who still write letters.]

Adele has filed for divorce. [That means that we’re in for another smash album.]

Thieves in London stole a solid-gold toilet worth $1.25 million. [It could easily be melted down and turned into lots of crappy jewelry.]

James Corden and Bill Maher are feuding over fat-shaming. [I just hate it when millionaires don’t play nice.]

Mississippi police arrested a burglar dressed as Captain America. [He held them at bay for hours using nothing but his shield.]

A convenience store in Mississippi has banned workers from a nearby soybean oil mill because of the smell they carry from the mill. [But the good thing about their smell is that they cancelled out the smell of those convenience store hot dogs.]

The U.S. Navy completed its testing of unmanned underwater vehicles in the Arctic Ocean. [Things went well except for one underwater vehicle that ran a red light and rear-ended another vehicle.]

A brewery in Los Angeles is looking to pay someone to promote its beer by attending Los Angeles Rams football games. [That makes sense. To watch the Rams you’d have to be both paid and drunk.]

A region in Italy is desperate for residents. It’s willing to pay people $27,000 to move there and start a business. [When I moved into my neighborhood, the only thing I received was a flyer with the phone numbers of the nearest take-out places.]


278-FOOT ASTEROID WILL SWING BY EARTH SATURDAY MORNING _ A rather hefty asteroid, one estimated to be nearly as large as the Statue of Liberty, is currently on course for a close encounter with Earth. Hurtling through the void of space at a cruising speed of almost 26,500 mph, the rock will reach Earth’s vicinity on Saturday morning, when it will zip past us at a safe distance of a few million miles.

… Known as asteroid 2019 RB3, the space rock was only discovered about a week-and-a-half ago.

PEOPLE THINK BOULDER ON HIGHWAY IS METEOR  _ A boulder came out of nowhere and landed on a Virginia highway, leading to confusion when the timing followed widespread reports of a fireball streaking along the East Coast late Thursday. The American Meteor Society says it received nearly 40 reports from people who saw a “fireball” over the Carolinas and Virginia, including callers from the Richmond area where the boulder fell. Hours after the meteor calls, a boulder had mysteriously appeared on a highway southeast of Richmond, Virginia. Many people assumed the boulder was the meteor.

FISHERMAN CATCHES STRANGE DINOSAUR-LIKE CREATURE _ A fisherman in Norway was shocked when he reeled in a bizarre, alien-looking creature from the water. The strange animal had large bulbous eyes that made it look like something from from the age of dinosaurs. Oscar Lundahl says he nearly “jumped out his fishing boat” when he pulled the strange creature in. Photos of the fish reveal its large eyes and comparatively small body. Lundahl, a fishing guide for Nordic Sea Angling, was reportedly fishing for blue halibut off the coast of Norway when he made the catch.

… The fish is apparently a ratfish, a relative of the shark that reportedly dates back 300 million years. They live in deep water and apparently very rarely caught. • IMAGE

WOMAN FIGHTING TO KEEP HER THREE EMOTIONAL SUPPORT MONKEYS _ A Missouri woman with post-traumatic stress disorder is in a feud with her neighbors and her city (Creve Coeur) who say three emotional support monkeys living with her pose a safety risk to local residents. Texanne McBride-Teahan has trained and lived with monkeys for roughly 20 years. She says they haven’t been a problem for those around her until she moved a month ago when one of the neighbors noticed a monkey outside and called the city office over fears about the primate attacking people in the neighborhood.

… The monkeys are registered as emotional support animals for McBride-Teahan, who she says assist her in dealing with PTSD. She was given a doctor’s note detailing her need for the monkeys. Her city in Missouri classifies monkeys as an “inherently dangerous animal” which puts them the same group as lions and alligators. That classification means primates aren’t given the same luxury as common house pets such as cats or dogs and they can’t stay in residential areas.

PHYSICAL FITNESS LINKED TO BETTER BRAIN FUNCTION _ The largest and most detailed study of its type concludes that there are links between physical fitness and improved cognitive performance.

McDONALD’S CUSTOMER FACES 7th DUI CONVICTION _ Employees at a McDonald’s in Millsboro, Delaware, flagged down a passing state trooper on Friday night. According to them, a customer was “yelling and screaming” from his vehicle and they needed assistance. The trooper reportedly discovered a man showing “multiple signs of impairment.” The driver (Levi D. Stilwell), according to the state police, he had six previous DUI convictions.

OREO MYSTERY FLAVOR GOES ON SALE TODAY _ Oreo will today (Monday) begin selling a new “mystery” cookie that looks — but doesn’t taste — like the classic. And they’re asking fans to guess the secret creme flavor for the opportunity to win $50,000.

MAGAZINE HIRES TACO EDITOR _ There are some pretty cool jobs out there. You can get paid to eat chocolate, watch Netflix, shop, or even write about food. But one of the coolest jobs out there was just filled and you’re about to be seriously jealous. Texas Monthly recently announced that it hired its first Taco Editor.

… If you’ve ever been to Texas, you know that they take their tacos very seriously, so it makes sense that Texas Monthly hired food writer José R. Ralat to be Taco Editor at the publication. José will get to taste test different tacos, write about taco trends, interview taco makers, and just generally live and breathe all things tacos.

MEN FACE CHARGES FOR WALKING ON OLD FAITHFUL GEYSER _ Two men face criminal charges for walking onto Old Faithful Geyser in Yellowstone National Park. Going off boardwalks in Yellowstone’s thermal areas is dangerous and illegal. Old Faithful erupts with boiling hot water about once every hour. Park officials say the men have been summoned to appear in federal court.

GOODWILL WORKERS FIND KITTEN IN COUCH _ Workers at a thrift store in the UK discovered a kitten trapped inside a couch donated to the shop. Employees began hearing mewling shortly after the sofa was dropped off as a donation. The donor called the store later in the day to say a kitten was missing and may have been in the couch.

GO AHEAD, HAVE A DRINK BEFORE YOU RUN _ Here’s some good news for those that like to drink heavily before going on a long run — it doesn’t affect your performance. Italian researchers filled 10 healthy people up with whisky before putting them on a treadmill until they reached their maximum heart rate. Two days later the same folks came back and took a jog, but this time completely sober. The results: Booze has no effect on exercise performance, stress hormone stimulation, and metabolism. However, two bad things that stem from drinking and exercising are impaired judgement and the risk of dehydration.

THE PROFESSIONS THAT CHUG THE MOST COFFEE _ What professions chug the most coffee? A survey of 10,000 professionals found the biggest coffee addicts are journalists, followed by cops and teachers. Here are the professions that suck down the most java:

  • Journalists and media staff
  • Police officers
  • Teachers
  • Plumbers and trade workers
  • Nurses and medical staff
  • Company executives
  • Telesales
  • IT technical support
  • Retail staff
  • Drivers


🎧 AUDIOWACKY-BUT-TRUE: SHOPLIFTING TRIES TO USE UBER AS GETAWAY _ Police in Ohio believe a woman stole more than $1,000 worth of merchandise from a business and then tried to use an Uber as a getaway. The Uber driver — who is not a suspect — said, the shoplifter “had her bags in between two cars. She was sweating and acting really weird to begin with.” The shoplifter had six or seven bags and, not long after driving away, police pulled up behind the Uber. The shoplifter kept saying to the driver, “Let’s go! Let’s go!” They did not make it far before police caught up with them. The Uber driver told police, “Never did I think I was going to be a getaway car.”

🎧 AUDIOWACKY-BUT-TRUE: WOMAN WHO DREAMED SHE ATE ENGAGEMENT RING ACTUALLY DID _ Jenna Evans was deep asleep when she dreamed that she and her fiancé were on a train facing off with “bad guys” and during the fight he told her she had to swallow her engagement ring to protect it from them. When the San Diego woman woke up the next morning she saw that the ring was gone and immediately knew what had happened. Jenna and her fiancé’s fears were confirmed after she got an X-ray: the silhouette of the ring was clearly there right in the middle of her stomach. Things took a turn when she could feel the ring in her stomach and it started becoming painful for her. Rather than let the ring pass through her organs naturally, the doctor suggested that the safest way to retrieve her engagement ring would be to have an upper endoscopy to remove it. The procedure went smoothly and doctors were able to remove the ring from her intestines.

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: JUDGE BREAKS INTO HOME, STEALS PANTIES _ A 50-year-old Long Island judge has pleaded guilty to breaking into his 23-year-old neighbor’s home and stealing her panties from her clothes hamper. Robert Cicale has accepted responsibility for his actions and his attorney says he has “dealt with his mental illness issues in a proactive manner and is a better person for doing so.”

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: PORCH PIRATE HAD YOUNG CHILD WATCHING _ Tampa, Florida, police are searching for a porch pirate thief who had a young child follow and watch her as she committed the crime.

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: MAN TAKES CLOWN TO TERMINATION MEETING _ New Zealand legally requires employers to allow workers the option of bringing a support person to serious disciplinary meetings. After his employer lost a significant client and began layoffs, Josh Thompson received an ominous email from his bosses that read: “Bad news. We’re having a meeting to discuss your role.” Faced with finding an appropriate support person for the potentially tense meeting, Thompson said: “I thought it’s best to bring in a professional, and so I paid $200 and hired a clown.”

… The clown, who Thompson refers to as “Joe”, crafted balloon animals throughout the meeting, including a poodle. His antics were squeaky, and Thompson’s bosses had to request he quieten down several times. The clown mimed crying when the terminations paperwork was handed over to Josh. Josh told a New Zealand radio station, “I mean, I did get fired, but apart from that it was all smooth running.”

… Fortunately, Josh will not be out of work for long. Another ad agency hired him to start this week.

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: HOW NOT TO DRY YOUR CLOTHES _ A man doing laundry in his California apartment ignited a fire when he decided to use a different appliance as a clothes dryer. After someone called 911 police arrived and saw smoke coming from the apartment and a burning microwave on a lawn. At first the man told police he was cooking some food and it caught fire. Then he admitted he actually tossed a jacket with a metal zipper inside the microwave.

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: THIEF STEALS THE ESSENTIALS _ Police in Italy arrested a man who broke into a boat and stole just two things: a roll of electrical tape and a bottle of hot sauce.

WACKY-BUT-TRUE: LARGE COUPLE STEALING DRYER TIME _ Police in Germany were searching for a large couple who had been sneaking into an apartment building to use a woman’s private dryer. The only evidence police found was an oversized XXL bra and a jumbo pair of men’s underpants left behind in the dryer. The owner had been on alert for the intruders since receiving a $600 electricity bill. Then one night she heard the dryer go on and went into the basement to investigate. There was no one in sight but she found the bra and undies left in mid-cycle.


SEASON FINALE: AMERICAN NINJA WARRIOR (8p ET, NBC) — For the first time in four years, there will be a winner this season! Unlike other reality competition shows, Ninja Warrior doesn’t crown a champion every season. The only time an athlete won the $1 million grand prize was in 2015.

SEASON PREMIERE: DANCING WITH THE STARS  (8p ET, ABC) — The Season 28 cast includes country star Lauren Alaina, Christie Brinkley, singer Ally Brooke, The Bachelorette’s Hannah Brown, former NFL player Ray Lewis, Kate Flannery (The Office), NBA champ Lamar Odom, James Van Der Beek (Dawson’s Creek), The Supremes singer Mary Wilson, Karamo Brown (Queer Eye), comedian Kel Mitchell and former White House press secretary Sean Spicer.

COUNTRY MUSIC (8p ET, PBS) — Night 2 focuses on the years 1933-1945, when Nashville becomes the center of the country music industry as it grows in popularity during the Great Depression and World War II.

SEASON FINALE: SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE (8p ET, FOX) — The winner is revealed in the 2-hour finale.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL (8p ET, ESPN) — Cleveland Browns at New York Jets.

GRAND HOTEL (10p ET, ABC) — New.

DATELINE (10p ET, NBC) — New.

PREMIERE: A LITTLE LATE WITH LILLY SINGH (1:35a ET, NBC) — This new late light show, hosted by YouTube star and actress/producer/writer Singh, will feature in-studio interviews, as well as pre-taped comedy sketches and segments.


TOP TEN MOVIES _ Pennywise’s reign of terror hasn’t wavered: It Chapter Two maintained first place on box office charts. The sequel, based on Stephen King’s horror novel, generated another $40.7 million in the U.S. and Canada and $47 million at the international box office.

  1. It: Chapter Two, $40.7 million
  2. Hustlers, $33.2 million
  3. Angel Has Fallen, $4.4 million
  4. Good Boys, $4.2 million
  5. The Lion King, $3.5 million
  6. Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw, $2.77 million
  7. Overcomer, $2.73 million
  8. The Goldfinch, $2.6 million
  9. The Peanut Butter Falcon, $1.9 million
  10. Dora and the Lost City of Gold, $1.8 million

… One year ago this week the number one movie was The Predator
… Five years ago this week: No Good Deed
… Ten years ago this week: I Can Do Bad All By Myself
… Twenty years ago this week: Stigmata

… In theaters Friday: Ad Astra (PG-13); Downton Abbey (PG); Rambo: Last Blood (R); The Wedding Year (R)

GHOSTBUSTERS SEQUEL TO FOCUS ON A FAMILY FROM THE ORIGINAL FILM _ The upcoming “Ghostbusters” sequel will focus on the descendants of the original ghost-catchers who rushed around New York City in proton packs and jumpsuits. Ivan Reitman and Dan Aykroyd revealed details of the new film, saying it is expected out next year and will star Paul Rudd, Finn Wolfhard, Carrie Coon and McKenna Grace. Reitman directed the original 1984 film and Aykroyd co-wrote and co-starred in it. Reitman’s son, Jason, is directing the new movie.

FORD V FERRARI TRAILER IS NOT FOR SLOW-POKES _ The newest trailer fro Ford v Ferrari pulled up Sunday. The Matt Damon and Christian Bale flick features the actors as frenemies who team up to take on the mission to defeat Ferrari on the racetrack. • VIDEO

JOJO RABBIT WINS TOP PRIZE AT TORONTO FILM FESTIVAL AWARDS _ Jojo Rabbit has won the coveted People’s Choice Award at this year’s Toronto International Film Festival. The dark comedy is set in the waning days of the Nazi Empire.

KELLY CLARKSON GETS JUSTIN GUARINI FOR AMERICAN IDOL REUNION _ Kelly Clarkson didn’t only bring back Simon, Paula and Randy for the American Idol reunion on her talk show — Clarkson brought Justin Guarini to the event, which will air on Wednesday (September 18). Clarkson beat out Guarini during the first season of American Idol to become the first-ever winner. The judges on the show where Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul and Randy Jackson. She took home the prize and he was runner-up.

ABC ANNOUNCES BEHIND-THE-SCENES SPECIAL FOR BEYONCÉ’S LION KING LP _ ABC has announced a new behind-the-scenes look into the making of Beyoncé’s The Lion King: The Gift LP, which is set to air tonight (September). Titled Beyoncé Presents: Making the Gift, the new hour-long special will allow viewers to “experience the process” behind the Lion King companion album, according to a new teaser released by ABC.

ANDREW YANG: LET’S FORGIVE SNL NEWBIE SHANE GILLIS _ Presidential candidate Andrew Yang says folks should forgive Shane Gillis — the newest cast member on SNL — over racist remarks he made about Asians  — and more importantly, ease up on seeking retribution. The presidential hopeful — who’s Taiwanese-American — went on CNN Sunday to elaborate on his thoughts from these past couple days, calling for Shane to NOT lose his new job at Saturday Night Live, but instead to be forgiven and used as a teachable moment.

… As soon as Shane was announced as a member of the cast for the upcoming season, people dug up an old video of him making racist jokes about Asians. He has since apologized to those offended, saying he sometimes “pushes boundaries.”

… Yang says our society has become too punitive in these scenarios, and that we as a country should strive to be better — opting for forgiveness when possible.

MINECRAFT NOW HAS 112 MILLION PLAYERS PER MONTH _ Fortnite might still have the lion’s share of public attention, but that doesn’t mean it’s hurting the other gaming phenomenon. Minecraft now has 112 million active players every month, a surge of 20 million over this time last year. This includes players across all platforms.


Find these audio files on the PRO AUDIO PAGE.

🎧 Drop: Look at this! Look at this.

🎧 San Diego woman swallows engagement ring because of dream. September 16 Wacky-But-True.

🎧 An Ohio shoplifter called an Uber to use as a getaway. September 16 Wacky-But-True.

🎧 Twitter user @whoisalexjacob put together a video of Alex Trebek saying the word “genre.”



A few years back they surveyed adults and asked, “What are the most-needed life skills?” In no particular order, some of the things people said:

• Googling things and using Google Maps and GPS
• Using a mobile phone
• Connecting devices to WiFi
• Online banking and shopping
• Cooking
• Turning off the water at the mains
• Knowing about privacy settings online
• Using self-service checkout at the grocery
• Searching and applying for jobs online
• Touch-typing
• Re-heating food in the microwave
• Uploading photos
• Changing settings on the thermostat
• Knowing how to use social media
• Changing the clocks on ovens, microwaves, your dashboard
• Setting up and working a Smart TV
• Book movie tickets online


Some signs and notices written in English that were discovered throughout the world

• In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notice.

• In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

• In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

• In a Bangkok dry cleaner’s: Drop your trousers here for best results.


Whether it’s because they’re feeling awkward or just plain old at a loss for words, people say some crazy things to newlyweds.

• “So, does life feel different now you’re married?”

• “Welcome to the club! Now you get to be miserable like the rest of us!”

• “So how does it feel to have kissed your sex life goodbye?”

• “Are you still going to work?”

• “You’re not taking his last name, right?”

• “Guess the honeymoon phase is officially over now!”

• “Are you pregnant yet?”

• “You do know you have a 50 percent chance of getting divorced, right?”

• “Enjoy it now before you have kids! That’s when everything changes!”


TRIVIA: Women do this three times as much as men do. Fifty years ago it was the opposite. (Take pictures)

TRIVIA: Almost five billion of these were viewed last month. (YouTube videos)

TRIVIA: Women do this in three out of four households. (Manage the money and/or pay the bills)


When you need me you throw me away.

When you don’t need me you bring me back.

What am I?

Answer: An anchor.



• Comedian Rita Rudner is 66

• Puppeteer Kevin Clash (Elmo on Sesame Street) is 59

• Actor/director Paul Feig is 57

• Robert Herjavec (Shark Tank) is 56

• Kyle Chandler (Early Edition) is 54

• Danielle Brooks (Orange Is The New Black) is 30


• 1814: Francis Scott Key finished his The Star-Spangled Banner poem.

• 1920: The National Football League was organized in Canton, Ohio.

• 1972: The first episode of M*A*S*H premiered on CBS. Set during the Korean War, the show aired for 11 years.

• 1976: The first Space Shuttle, called Enterprise, was unveiled by NASA.

• 2007: Auction website eBay removed an auction listing for the country of Belgium, which had attracted an offer of nearly $14 million.

• 2010: The 54-year run of the soap opera As the World Turns ended.


• International Country Music Day

• IT Professionals Day

• Professional House Cleaners Day

• Apple Dumpling Day


• September 21: Octoberfest begins in Munich, Germany
• September 22: Emmy Awards (Fox)
• September 23: First day of Fall
• September 28: SNL Season 45 begins
• October 1: Major League Baseball playoffs start
• October 3: NHL regular season starts
• October 11: Nobel Peace Prize winner announced
• October 11: National League Championship Series starts
• October 12: American League Championship Series starts
• October 13: Chicago Marathon
• October 27: Diwali
• October 31: Halloween (a Thursday)
• November 3: Daylight Saving Time ends
• November 11: Veterans Day
• November 13: Country Music Association Awards
• November 28: Thanksgiving
• November 29: Black Friday
• November 30: Small Business Saturday
• December 20: Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker hits theater